I Thought You'd Never Ask
On Gwyneth Paltrow's guest spot on Glee, the 2004 film Cellular, and more (things you did not ask for).
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I didn’t think it would take this long for me to rewatch Glee, but alas, here we are. Some episodes have aged well, some have not. I’m not here to talk about that today.
Today, I’d like to re-introduce you to one Miss Holly Holliday. First appearing in the Season 2 episode “The Substitute”, Holliday (Gwyneth Paltrow) subs in for the incredulously irritating Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison) when he gets sick. Kurt (Chris Colfer) asks her to take over Glee Club after seeing her perform Conjunction Junction in his English Class. Unlike Schuester, Holliday is fun. She listens to non-Journey popular music. She doesn’t rap where she knows she shouldn’t. And she sees and hears the students for who they are, not for who they should be.
In her classes, to engage with her young demographic, she asks them to repeat introductory Spanish phrases like “Lindsay Lohan es bien loca, no?” or “¿Cuántas veces se ha puesto Lindsay Lohan en rehabilitación?”1. The character prides herself on being relatable to the kids and making their brief respite from whatever teacher she’s replacing a fun time. I am obsessed with this scene, more so because it’s one of those moments that remind you that Glee was actually funny sometimes.
Her rendition of Forget You by Cee Lo Green (“What would you know about Cee Lo? ‘Cuz you’re, like, forty,” says Santana,) lives in my head rent-free. I love it when things happen on the show to specifically annoy Rachel Berry. Holly slides across a pre-buttered floor and squashes any student’s hope of messing with her. I actually really like Gwyneth Paltrow’s voice! I may not like her vagina-scented candles, nor do I agree with the way she applies sunscreen, but I think this role gives Paltrow a chance to shine in the eyes of a whole new generation (read: then-Gleeks). Whilst my annoying filmbro ass knew her as “the girl from Se7en”, I came to associate Paltrow as Holly Holliday. I went to see The Avengers2 in 2012 thinking: “Hey! That’s Holly Holliday kissing Iron Man!” (I’m aware Paltrow has been a part of the MCU before this, but I’ll level with you, I didn’t care much before The Avengers3.)
Paltrow went on to win a Primetime Emmy for her guest spot on Glee, and deservedly so! Without her, we wouldn’t get the iconic Santana-Brittany Landslide performance! Holly Holliday carved out space in the Glee ensemble for the ‘Cool Girl’. She’s the Cool Girl Gone Girl’s Cool Girl Monologue waxes poetic about, but in a Cool way. She’s the sweet spot between the misinformed progressive cluelessness of Britta Perry in Community and Cool Girl Ideology Populariser Amy Elliot Dunne. Holliday is assured, self-aware, and vulnerable. One of my favourite parts of her debut episode is her admitting her emotional unavailability to Schuester. She made Will Schuester tolerable, who else can say that? Holliday’s catchphrase “I thought you’d never ask” encapsulates everything there is to know about her: she’s ready, willing, and has anticipated everyone’s best interests at heart, even if she doesn’t always have her own.
As much as I’d like this to be yet another “deep-dive” on the facets of white American womanhood on screen, I don’t have the energy to go into it, nor do I feel like I have the place to. I just wanted to tell you how much I liked Gwyneth Paltrow in this role, and how much I’m going to enjoy not watching Glee for a long, long time.
Not Another Close Call
This week in What Did I Watch With My Mum? a soon-to-be recurring segment in this newsletter, we watched the 2004 thriller Cellular. It’s an incredible noughties piece of speculative fiction. It’s not a masterpiece, nor would it be considered “good” by “film enjoyers”, but its high-octane silliness paired with Kim Basinger’s terrifyingly dramatic crying face makes for a good time.
Cellular connects two strangers, Ryan (Chris Evans) and Jessica (Basinger) by happenstance (re: people not really knowing how phones worked back then) as one has to help the other escape a kidnapping.
Some highlights: A young Chris Evans. Like, pre-Fantastic Four Chris Evans. He is only shirtless once, and (at least from the looks of him) was not yet a centrist pundit. He drives around Los Angeles with a little Nokia phone, proceeds to rob a store at gunpoint for a charger (which he later paid for), and drives off in Louis Litt from Suits’s electric blue Porche Carrerra. Jason Statham has an “American” accent. Eric Christian Olsen (Community alum and current NCIS: Los Angeles heartthrob) plays Evans’ dumb best friend. Kim Basinger is a biology teacher that can fix telephones. It’s very magical.
One thing I’d like to point out is that Cellular has connections to other things that I’m famously obsessed with. For example, the film’s screenwriter turns out to be none other than Chris Morgan, of post-Tokyo Drift Fast and Furious fame. Without Morgan, we would not have Hobbs & Shaw. I would not have Hobbs & Shaw. Cellular and Tokyo Drift also have a technological marvel in common: old school Nokias that can capture Hi-Def videos. One of the film’s producers was Dean Devlin, the man behind TNT gem and underrated (marvel) Leverage, another show dedicated to helping people using almost Iron Man-like speculative tech. I guess I owe this film a lot.
A Hyperpop Album Called ‘Music’
I’d like to direct you to my favourite Weekend Update bit to date: Bowen Yang as the Iceberg that sunk the Titanic. I adore Bowen Yang. I want to be him when I grow up. Yang’s addition to the cast, after his tenure as a staff writer, brings me a lot of hope: SNL could be funny again. I’ve always had a complicated relationship with the consumption of Saturday Night Live.
As a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to end up in that opening credits montage robbing a Duane Reade. I wrote my dissertation about SNL (embarrassing, I know. Pick me behaviour, I know.) That show is a “comedy institution” that has brought me all my biggest influences: Laser Cats, John Mulaney, Jenny Slate saying the f-word, Nasim Pedrad’s Kim Kardashian impression etc, but it’s also a place that has been culpable of platforming some unfavourable personalities. It’s a place whose work culture has so much lore and exclusivity behind it that James Franco had to follow them around with a camera just to get to the bottom of it. Maybe it’s just me and my lazy Virgo self, but working till 5 am on a sketch sounds like a nightmare. However, deep down, a small part of me still wants to know what that’s like. Stream ‘Music’.
Hot Knife
Sorry to mislead you by referencing a Fiona Apple song, but I have to keep it Halal for the next few weeks and still be ‘clever’ somehow. This bit of Moon Knight training is a very pressing issue. I couldn’t not include it here. What else is this newsletter even for?
Why did that old man lick his knife? Doesn’t he know we’re in a pandemic? Is he not vulnerable?
In other news, that man’s best friend made an appearance at the BAFTAs. I’ve missed him dearly. (I have also been informed that that is not a coat he is wearing, it is, in fact, a suit jacket.)
Play That Sappy Music White Girl
Taylor Swift released her highly-anticipated Fearless (Taylor’s Version). It outshined the death of a royal AND a non-event Brockhampton release. Who else is doing it like her? As an album, I haven’t been able to stop listening to it. I feel like I still have yet to process the breadth and impact of this version of Fearless. I can feel my Eighth Grade Self claw her way out of the depths (or lack thereof) of my psyche.
My Taylor’s Version top tracks as of late: Hey Stephen, Tell Me Why, That’s When (feat. Nicole Kidman’s Husband), Mr. Perfectly Fine, and Breathe (feat. Colbie Caillat).
Let’s talk a little bit about Colbie Caillat. I was absolutely obsessed with her in primary school. She had a vice grip on my Limewire to iPod Classic pipeline. She was my gateway into the likes of Vanessa Carlton, Sara Bareilles, Joss Stone, and other pioneers of white girl music. She is also a living legend in the Singing in Italics genre, much like that one Welcome to my Kitchen vine. I haven’t heard much of her lately. Apparently, Colbie has been a part of the band Gone West, which I’ll check out soon because it sounds like the type of yeehaw thing I would enjoy.
Breathe has always been one of my favourite songs off of Fearless, and picturing Taylor Swift hitting Colbie up after all these years gives me goosebumps. I have projected many a schoolgirl crush to her hit single Bubbly. Anyone who says they don’t like Jason Mraz’s Lucky featuring Miss Caillat is a liar and I don’t trust them.
Speaking of trust, I wonder how we can all as a society continue to trust Joe Jonas after these Taylor’s Version (From the Vault) tracks have come out. His wife is a Swiftie too. John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal; your days are numbered.
Justice League (Zack’s Version)
In case you missed it, I had a teensy guest spot on Not Having It All a few weeks ago to talk about Zack Snyder’s Justice League, a film I have now seen two times (once in colour, once in black and white). Thank you to Caris for having me on and being on the same page with me about how the Justice League are the Gossip Girl of superheroes. Who do you think is Blair? I think it’s Bruce Wayne. Which in turn would make Clark Kent the Serena, no? What are your thoughts, reader? Let me know in the comments.
Also, I know I just said Clark is Serena but Bruce would totally do this:
That’s all for this week! See you next time. Stay safe out there.
Lindsay Lohan ha estado en rehabilitación cinco veces. Al menos según Gwyneth Paltrow. Te quiero Lindsay Lohan.
F—k Joss Whedon. All my homies hate Joss Whedon.
I wish all Joss Whedon a very never work again.