Costanzian Psychoanalysis
On George Costanza's speculative natal chart, The Last of Us Trailer, and Bodies, Bodies, Bodies.
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I’m about to present to you something I like to call Costanzian Psychoanalysis, something I just made up right now. It’s essentially applying the bare minimum knowledge I have of modern Western astrology and the unfortunate yet not nearly encyclopedic-enough knowledge of Jason Alexander’s character on Seinfeld, thee George Costanza (or George Thee Costanza, if we’re applying Hot Girl nomenclature) and figuring out what George’s birth chart is, and how that relates to our own every day lives. It’s silly, but it’s what you signed up for when you hit that subscribe button.
I think our Georgie Boy is a Cancer Sun, Libra Moon. Althought I’m not sure if his birthday was ever cemented in the Seinfeld canon, aside from that cutaway to his 7th birthday party, I can easily picture Costanza celebrating or coming forth onto this Earth as a Late June/Early July baby. He is sensitive, yet pathological. He is homely, yet flighty. He is often paralyzed by indecision, and agonizing over how his choices will affect a hypothetical Future George that could be doomed to the same old story. In The Opposite, George does the exact opposite of what his instincts tell him to do and it yields him wonderful results. It’s the tipping of the Libra scales. Also, Larry David is a Cancer Sun. Take what you will from that.
As for his rising sign, I think I’m going to take a wild guess, a stab in the dark, and suggest that he may be a Taurus Rising. His sense of style speaks to comfort and ease, and sometimes a bit of excess. The Gor-Tex coat is the perfect example, also the colour palette is still quite earthy. He also dresses to mood (re: morning mist).
I also suspect he may have Virgo placements, too. There is something very Costanzian about being a Virgo, and I’m saying that as a Virgo myself. There are the Beyoncés, and there are also the Georges of the world. I think one of the core tenets of Coztanzian Psychoanalysis, which I also just made up now, include overcomplicating solutions that should have been extremely simple in the first place. Within that overcomplication, is an inner logic that the subject has convinced themselves is perfectly, and impenetrably sound.
For example, to get out of the Big Brother programme, George takes advantage of Mr. & Mrs. Seinfeld’s trip to Paris and asks them to send postcards from Paris as if George were there himself, so he obviously, can’t be a Big Brother to this kid. It’s a plan so convoluted that it just might work, as much as it will backfire (which it did). In a panic, it makes sense to him to push women and children out of the way during a fire because you gotta look out for Number One, even though you have a hard time stomaching what it means to be your own Number One. That’s Costanzian.
I think his Mercury placement would lean more towards Gemini than Cancer; whilst he can be erratic or repetitive, he always has something to say, and it’s always said with a signature kind of specificity.
George Costanza is definitely a Cancer Venus. Easy as. He nearly became Latvian Orthodox for a girl, lest we forget. I’m referencing a lot of Season 5 at the moment because it’s the freshest in my mind, but also because it has some really clear examples of Applied Costanzian Psychoanalysis.
This may become a recurring segment, where I would take a specific character or celebrity and dissect their Georgieness, their Can’t-Stand-Ya-ness according to their natal chart. It’s silly. It’s ridiculous. But it’s what ya signed up for.
This Will Not Be The Last You Will Be Hearing About This
I’ve been really struggling to write this newsletter for the last couple of weeks, probably still adjusting to my new schedule. I have been, however, at the beach for the last two days because you can just do that in Vancouver. Ryan Reynolds didn’t say anything about this in his Aviation Gin ads.
But, in the grand tradition of this newsletter, Pedro Pascal has managed to revive the cold, dead hands parked in front of the blank Substack editor.
This The Last of Us trailer is really something, isn’t it?
I think what I found most exciting was how it seems to look pretty faithful to the game, or at least the closest it can get for an HBO show. They shot in Calgary! Let’s go Canada! (I have nothing else to say about that, I just moved here.)
The shot of Melanie Lynskey in the trailer was a treat. I honestly had zero idea she was in this, and shooting this in between Yellowjackets is so fucking baller. I can’t look at Pedro Pascal without the itch to rewatch Triple Frontier (2019) creeping up on me. It’s a vicious cycle I must break.
Slay, Slay, Slay
I saw Bodies, Bodies, Bodies a few weeks ago with one of my best friends and it was the first cinema experience I’ve had in Canada. It’s a huge deal. In Indonesia, the cinemas all seem a bit posh, but you can definitely see the screen without any interference because the seats are tiered. In England, it depends on where you’re going—some cinemas have a weird dip in the screen but you love it anyway. In Canada, and I can’t make a generalization from one trip, they have those Coca-Cola machines that let you pick which flavour of Coke you want. Like the one in the Leicester Square Burger King. It was a real trip.
There was a SmartWater commercial that played three times before the film started. Maybe it was thrice for good luck. Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, for the uninitiated, is Halina Reijn’s new horror/comedy about a group of twenty-somethings trapped in a hurricane as they play a game of the titular Bodies, Bodies, Bodies (a version of Werewolf, I guess) and actual bodies, bodies, bodies (dead ones) start turning up.
I think I have a crush on everyone in this film. They’re all gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Though the characters are obviously exaggerated, they felt very, very real and didn’t feel like caricatures. I adore Rachel Sennott. She’s the Virgo I aspire to be! When her character got shot and screamed “I’ve never been shot before!”, I lost my shit! She’s a genius! She’s a star! She’s cinema!
I think it’s a really refreshing whodunit. We need more whodunits. I didn’t like the ending at first, but I think its campness really grew on me. The score is fabulous, obviously, I’ve been obsessed with Charli XCX’s Hot Girl even before the film came out, and hearing it at the credits was a treat! I was gagged at the 212 needle-drop! Any film that opens with a Slayyyter song deserves a chance.
Also, Amandla Stenberg’s new single that they wrote inspired by Rachel Sennott’s character Alice is fucking sick. It’s creeping into my On Repeat playlist on Spotify.
Speaking of music, I’m going to tack this on here because I’m trying to save space for another section but I haven’t been able to stop listening to these two songs on Soundcloud; one is a mashup of Aura Kasih’s Mari Bercinta and TLC’s No Scrubs by the illustrious Zara, and the other is a 2016 cover of Nelly’s Ride Wit Me by Slayyyter. They’re very slay. We’re all about slay here on Hyperfixate.
LET’S GO DULA PEEP!
There is a specific brand of celebrity gossip that appeals to me and will live inside my head rent free for many, many weeks or months to come. This is one of those instances. I think they’re really really cute! I know Taika Waititi and Rita Ora are FUMING! I’m all sorts of obsessed with this, it’s a huge win for the Hot Comedian community (of which I am a card carrying member). I think this appeals to me because I like seeing comedian’s I’ve followed from earlier in their careers date absolutely whoever they want. It’s the Pete Davidson effect. It makes me feel like, although I am nowhere near in the same bracket quality or career-wise, that I can shoot for the moon and land on top of Matthew Gray Gubler. Will be keeping an eye on this story as it develops!
Five Stars for Norman
It’s actually just one star. Norman Reedus received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and at the unveiling ceremony Jon Bernthal said a few words in support of his Walking Dead co-star. It was cute. I have my issues with both Reedus and Bernthal and yet here we are. I’m deadly problematic. And I’m not ready to say goodbye to The Walking Dead. The proper ending is coming up so soon. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Oh, To Be At Miranda Cosgrove’s Sweet 16
I don’t know why so many clips from Miranda Cosgrove’s Sweet 16 are resurfacing online, but I’m kind of into it. I will be thinking about this clip of the Sprouse Twins and whom I assume to be Josh Hutcherson doing Soulja Boy’s Crank Dat for the next three to four business months.
That’s all for this week, lads. Catch ya on the flip.